I got an e-mail today from a friend and thought it just so aptly encompassed my world view it
HAD to be posted up here! It's funny...and not too serious. Have a laugh! It's Friday dammit!!
- DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of anothersong you like and hum that instead.
- CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
- RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
- DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
- WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinkingred wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
- MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
- EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
- ALCOHOL: Makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
- MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
- GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by NZ Post.
- BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
- DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start andsend them on their way.
- PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In themorning, simply move it all back again.
- CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
- DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help'; simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
- MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop you're mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
- SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside a supermarket with several bags of shopping, looking at yourwatch and occasionally glancing inside.
- BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
- ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
- McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of carwindows.
- WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a damn anyway and you could use the saved energy to vacuum the houseafterwards.
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